I wanna be just like YOU, cause' he wants to be just like me

"I want a new heart like you Mommy, and I want a heart like Daddy... but I don't know how." These sweet sounding words said through tears and brokenness are the plea of a surrendered life. A plea of a soul that is seeking, knocking, and ultimately of letting go of self. 

I cannot even start to explain the rush of emotion that came over me. It was if I had been sitting there face to face with The Lord and I sang out all Pat Benatar style, "hit me with your best shot", and The Lord responded in the way only He can do!

We sat together and talked about praying to God. Praying in whatever language as God knows them all. We talked about there is nothing we can do to save ourselves but it is about what God did through his son Jesus.

Ephesians 2:8-10 "God saved you by his grace when you believed. And you can’t take credit for this; it is a gift from God. Salvation is not a reward for the good things we have done, so none of us can boast about it. For we are God’s masterpiece. He has created us anew in Christ Jesus, so we can do the good things he planned for us long ago. "

This moment we were sharing was not pretty, it was full of tears and snot, and blubbery voices and flat out "ugly cry" moments. 

    (Thank you google search for picture)

But to God above it was oh so sweet smelling and beautiful as a child became one of His. 

"God, give me a new heart." was the beginning of the prayer. And as if Jon and I were not already crying enough, we flat out lost it at these words! 

These were our sons words, not some "rehearsed, repeat after me, A.B.C., prayer. This was his moment between him and God and Jon and I were humbled to be witness to it. 

Our son's prayer went on in the most eloquent broken English you have ever heard. Spoken in English because our love wanted "Mom and Dad to understand." 

Romans 10:9-13 If you confess with your mouth that Jesus is Lord and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved. For it is by believing in your heart that you are made right with God, and it is by confessing with your mouth that you are saved. As the Scriptures tell us, “Anyone who trusts in him will never be disgraced.” Jew and Gentile are the same in this respect. They have the same Lord, who gives generously to all who call on him. For “Everyone who calls on the name of the Lord will be saved.” 

Today, Friday, we remember the day Christ was crucified, taking upon him all the pain of sin and hurts and past lives... This Sunday we celebrate his resurrection! The day he beat death and brought to life all who place their faith and trust in him. 

Do you see it, do you get the visual picture: Christ killed SIN, and brought back to life a new life! 

Galatians 2:20-21 "My old self has been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me. So I live in this earthly body by trusting in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me. I do not treat the grace of God as meaningless. For if keeping the law could make us right with God, then there was no need for Christ to die." Galatians 5:2 "Those who belong to Christ Jesus have nailed the passions and desires of their sinful nature to his cross and crucified them there."

2 Corinthians 5:17-21 "This means that anyone who belongs to Christ has become a new person. The old life is gone; a new life has begun! And all of this is a gift from God, who brought us back to himself through Christ. And God has given us this task of reconciling people to him. For God was in Christ, reconciling the world to himself, no longer counting people’s sins against them. And he gave us this wonderful message of reconciliation. So we are Christ’s ambassadors; God is making his appeal through us. We speak for Christ when we plead, “Come back to God!” For God made Christ, who never sinned, to be the offering for our sin, so that we could be made right with God through Christ."

"Dear Lord,

I am so in awe of you! Thank you, thank you, thank you for your love! Your powerful love that brought my son from many homes many many miles away in China, you brought him  here, in this home, for this moment in his life! You knew from the moment he was created that he would be here this day and at this time of night that he would be so broken and so raw and so ready for your love. Wrap you arms around him Lord! Help him to experience you like never before! Be real to him, comfort his pain from his past and comfort him in his times of need in the future! Oh I am so humbled that you chose him to be my son, our son, in our family! He needed us but we SO needed him! My precious boy, whom I will forever love and never leave will now be forever in heaven with us! This day is a day to remember and shout out praises to your name! 

I love you lord and I lift my voice to worship you, oh my soul rejoice! 

Help me to be the best mommy to him! In your name I pray-Amen"-(prayer journal 4/7/2014)

under the bed

Happiness and sadness come in waves at our home.  A day full of happiness may result in an evening of sadness, just as a morning of sadness, will oftentimes result in an evening of happiness. 

Yesterday, was a morning of sadness.  Memories of a past life sent one of our loves up to his room, on the floor, wrapped up completely in his blanket, and under the bed.  A greater attempt to get farther away from reality could not have been made.  

Bethany and I went upstairs to provide comfort and determine what was going on.

"I am in this world, all alone", came a muttered reply from the blanket burrito under the bed.

Isn't this the very place the deceiver wants to find us?  Believing a lie, wrapped up under the bed, on the floor, separating ourselves from the world?  He wants us to believe we are isolated and vulnerable.

If he can't have us, at the very least, he will try to immobilIze us.  Look to Elijah who after seeing the Creator of all things reign down fire on an impossible altar, found himself hiding out of fear.  Look at Gideon who from the least of his family, and his family the least of Israel, was found hiding in a hole from the Midianites.  And then there is Jonah who was found in a hole of a ship, in the complete opposite direction of where he was supposed to be.  

All lost.  All hiding.  Imagine if it ended here though.  What a terrible thing that would be.  

However, all were found.  

Lost and hiding, all were found where they were, and were reminded that they were not alone in this world.  They weren't even alone in their own world!  Self wants to make much of itself, and will even sadly attempt to stand alone by pushing everything out.  

But the God that pursues, does just that!  He pursues.  He finds, reminds, and redeems. He sends comfort and binds those to him who are his own.  Grace is poured out to the weary and wayward soul, all to point back to His kindness and love.  To point back to Him.  Oh! Taste and see that The Lord is good!

Moments later, Bethany and I find ourselves crammed under our kids bunk beds along side our son, reminding him that he is never again truly alone.   For our antics, we received a bit of laughter, reminding us and him, that not all is lost.  That he is never truly alone in this world of a pursuing God.

So in those times you find yourself alone, bundled up in a blanket, on the floor, completely under the bed, remember someone comes for you.  He loves you.  Refuse to buy the lie of loneliness, and enjoy the company of the only one who truly knows you and wants you.

The Pursuer is coming after you to make much of his name.  To him be the glory.

Luke 15:32 "We had to celebrate this happy day. For your brother was dead and has come back to life! He was lost, but now he is found!’” 

dear orphan...

Dear orphan of yesterday,

I want you to know up front that this will not be easy to write.  However, being so proud of my decisions in the past, I want you to know the truth about me.

Many years ago, I lived in a world that revolved around me.  I was most important.  Don't get me wrong, I had God in my life, or a god in my life.  I went to church, all of the time.  I tithed, I gave out of what was left over, and I gave the god I served a very, very big part of my life.  I lived as life was relative, therefore I was giving god more leash than most.  I told myself that this was a good thing.

Several times I spent money and time on myself.  I remember one time in particular, I bought a luxury SUV.  I found a person selling one, with all possible options including the sweet 20" chrome wheels and upgraded paint, and I bought it, for $38,000.   I convinced myself that this was a good deal, as others like this were going for $45k.  While making this purchase, you were half way across the world, going to bed, without a mommy or daddy, without love, without food, and without hope.  I was okay with this though because as Thoreau once said, "Ignorance is bliss".  And it was bliss riding around in this car.  You would not believe me if I told you how many looks I got.  People treated me differently, and I treated them differently.  Life was good, because it was exactly as I wanted to perceive it.  I even remember asking God, or my god, to bless my decision of purchasing this vehicle as I would use it for him.  I am expected to care for my family, and I stood, aka, hid behind this ideology. 

It wasn't long after I made the purchase That I began to wonder of what the next car would be.  My selfish side has a Golden Corral size appetite.  So I fed it, all the while taking ample doses of Justification, the only antacid I have found to alleviate Selfishness.

From cars and houses, to vacations, the sense of enough became more and more elusive. All the while, you were still at the orphanage, waiting, wondering why in the world you were even made, if it was only to have you move from a negligent home, into a neglectful orphanage, surrounded, immersed in sadness, rage, and emptiness.

By my fifth vacation to Disney, you had been put out of the orphanage because you were now too old to ever be adopted. The person that could have adopted you, simply didn't.

Given only a backpack, you and the hunger for food gave into that first man that pulled up to you and told you that he could give you food and shelter for certain favors.  One thing lead to another and quickly you were moved into that multi-billion dollar industry.  

I know this, because I remember praying for you at a concert where they talked about this kind of slavery that you were in.  I prayed, and then kept singing, praising God, or god at that time, thanking Him for how blessed I am.  

Unlike me though, you were not okay with the direction your life had gone.  You didn't know who or what you were made for, but you are certain it wasn't this.  And so you took action.  Sadly, you were the only one to take action, and you ran to the closest Exit Door of your life.  You decided that if no one was going to love you the way something deep inside of you told you you were intended to be loved, something God had placed deep inside of you from long ago, then you would save yourself from further hurt. You told yourself that you would no longer, never again step into a strangers hotel room.  Never again. 

You stayed in that elevator, passing the 3rd floor you called just minutes prior, and went straight the the top.  You walked out of the elevator and walked out onto the roof.  You felt the last night time breeze you would ever feel on this earth.  It was always and only the breeze that ever came remotely close to touching you the way God ever intended for you to be touched.  You walked to the edge of the roof and within a moment, you joined the statistic that 15% of all orphans fall prey to. 

I was okay with that.  I am so sorry, but I was.  

My life was full, it was protected, comfortable, and barely had room for one more.  It didn't matter that I still had 3 more available seats in my car at that time, or that I had a huge basement, empty bedrooms, an extra dining room to be used once a year, or a music room, all of which god blessed "ME" with.  None of that mattered.  What mattered most was me.  What I wanted, when I wanted.  To serve god on my terms, in my way, ever wondering if I should tithe off of the net or gross.  That wicked heart is the heart of self, and has no part along side Paul as he sat in prison.  That heart has no place on the plane with Jim Elliot on that last day reaching the Aucus.  That heart has no place at the feet of Jesus, or on the daily alter of sacrifice because it doesn't really want to die, does it. 

 It says it wants to die, but in fact, it will do all it can to live.  

I failed you, and I am sorry.  What God had entrusted to me to help rescue you, I have lost and will never get it back.  The time, the money, the effort, the surrender, the life, I lost it all.

Forgive me.

God has made his plan for adoption so clear in Isaiah 1, James 1, and in Galatians.  

To think that he adopts me, but that I can't adopt another is absurd.  A selfish heart believes that it stops with me, and I will no longer believe that.  

To the orphans tonight, going to bed piled on top of each other with empty stomachs, and hopeless lives.  There is hope.  You are being loved and you are being pursued.  There is one who loved us before we knew Him and who is preparing for us. There are parents preparing for you right now.  With Christ through us, and before us, you are being pursued, and we love you.  You consume our thoughts and our hearts because you consume His thoughts and hearts.  

Dear orphan of the past, your lost life stays in my mind, driving me to pursue others.  It breaks my heart to know your story.   I am sorry I wasn't there.

Know that I will tell so many of your story, and of the adoptive heart of God.

I will tell how it doesn't end with us, but starts with us.

If I cannot hear "The sound of rain' long before the rain falls, and then go out to some hilltop of the Spirit, as near to my God as I can and have faith to wait there with my face between my knees, though six times or sixty times I am told "There is nothing', till at last there arises a little cloud out of the sea, then I know nothing of Calvary's love.

-Amy Carmichael

Jon Allen, Doulos

Popsicle???

One morning recently, I was sitting on the porch enjoying my coffee, listening to our six year old JJ playing with some friends in our cul-de-sac. 

The morning couldn't have been better until I saw one of the friends feeling left out and so lashing out shouted, "you can't have any of our snacks or juice!  You can't get any of that at my house anymore."  Now this may not seem like a big deal to us adults but no juice and no snack sharing is the 6 yrs old equivalent of being Unfriended on Facebook.  It is a big deal!

I'm 36.  I'm an adult.  I'm a Christian.  But! I'm short on patience when it comes to matters such as this.  I start to pick sides.  

"Fine!  You want to be that way!  You can't have any of our snacks!", shamefully crosses my mind.  

Reaction vs. Response

I called JJ over and told him that we have plenty of Popsicles, snacks, and water in our garage.  Feeling satisfied I sat back in the rocking chair.  

"Hah!" I thought.  

"If that's the way you want to be then..."  

JJ interrupts me with a yell down the street...

"Hey!  You can come over to my house and have a Popsicle!  We have a whole bunch!  Come on!"

And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love. 

1 Corinthians 13:13

The love of Christ abounds through the actions of a six year old.  He finds the most humbling ways to teach me.

what is the source?

I work as a manager in the home improvement industry.  When a customer comes in needing to know how to fix a leak, I don't sell them towels and a mop.  I get right to the most probing question.  

"What is the source?"  Where is the leak coming from?  The water heater, a busted pipe, a faulty dishwasher?  Where is the leak coming from?  And then I go to work on repairing the leak, to prevent future leaking.

Trafficking is a sad, terrible reality.  So many kids are being farmed into this industry.  So many unwanted kids find themselves with no other option but to fall into this industry.  

As "graduation day" is had at many orphanages, so many "put-out" kids are greeted at the curb of their orphanages by men in cars who are ready to do business as usual for that day. And it is not okay.  

I am no expert, but am certain that the solution to end trafficking is multi-faceted.  

However, adoption does play a role in the end of trafficking.  As a matter of fact, for many children, it plays more of a role in trafficking never even beginning in the first place.  

Granted, adoption takes more than cutting a check, or drawing a red "X" on your hand, but the outpouring of benefits will far outweigh the substantial initial investment of the adoption.

I heard someone the other day say, 

"we've though about adoption, but we've already got a plan..."

At what point do we look at Isaiah 1:17 and James 1:27 as a letter, personally addresses to us, and not the next person that reads it?

Now reflect on these facts of the average American family.

Only up to 33% of available car seats are occupied in the average American family.

The average American family only occupies up to 25% of the rooms in their home.

Then, if you chalk up your abundance of space to God's blessing in your life, then ask the hardest question.  The one we don't like to ask.

Why?  Why has he blessed me so?

The answer could very well be that you still have family members who have not been brought home yet, and that, my friend, is a call to action.

Put an end to trafficking, before it ever begins. 

Take a chance that God's provisions for you are in fact to adopt an orphan.  Such an investment into another life has never yielded such a large return.  

so long familiar

So long familiar

Yesterday, Buddha was catapulted over the hammock, over the playset, and over the fence, far into the space of woods that separates our yard from the neighbors yard behind us.  We call it the "buffer zone" but ultimately, it's most literally no man's land, as nobody really owns it.  It's just there.  It's a dead space, and it is the perfect final resting place for a little Buddha figurine that travelled 12,500 miles around the world to be with it's owner.  

So here we are, with a new life, a new perspective, a new language, a new family, a new everything, and yes, an old god. 

We do that too, don't we?  We find ourselves in the hands of a passionate savior, indwelled by the king of kings, and an heir to all there could ever possibly be, and we find room for an old god.

When do we say, no more.  When do we say as Joshua so boldly stated, "as for me an my house, we will serve The Lord?"  When do we walk to the backyard of our life and hurl the old god of our life into the buffer zone outside the fence, where forever more it will have no more power over anybody's life?

The one who launched the Buddha into the woods came back into the house, went into the music room, and through tears pointed to the wall and said, "I want that!"

He pointed to a scroll on the wall that we had someone make during our trip to China.  It reads,

"我不撇下你们为孤儿、我必到你们这里来"

It translates, 

"I will not abandon you as orphans!  I will come to you."

We were all born as orphans.  Without a family, and with a hopeless future.  Destined for death, a redeemer has looked upon our hopeless position and has had compassion.  But!  Oh! And here is the best part!  Compassion is only half of the answer.  Just as faith without works is dead, compassion without action falls short of redemption.  And so he did something, didn't he?  He paid the price we couldn't and offers us all there is to have.  Made an heir to all for nothing I could ever do, and it doesn't sit well with me.  That just doesn't make sense.  By this time in my life I have memorized the face of disappointment and it has taught me two things.  To guard myself, and to fear.

Our sons have also memorized the face of disappointment.  Living a life of abandonment and rejection, has given them a certain emotional "street sense", and they are wondering when all of this life, now too, will come to an end.  Instead of surrendering and going all in, they stick their big toe in to test the waters.  And fear grips them, and abandonment lurks at them.  That is why they call our names out in the morning from their beds to see if we are still here in our home, or if we have left.  This is a common practice in our house. But everyday has proven once again, that we remain and love is poured out.

Call to our father daily and listen to how many ways he reassures you that he is still here.  That he has not abandoned you.  That he has come for you, and safely in His presence you reside, basking in the goodness of his Son's gift.

Throw the old god out!  Don't cast it out, only to reel it back it.  Be done with it.  And then go to the wall, look at His promises.  Call out to Him!  He remains!  He is pursuing you.  The one who does not abandon.

love is an open door

On a journey still and there is a new road ahead!

"Love is an Open Door" are the lyrics to one of many Hit songs from Disney's "Frozen"... 

This term has become to mean so much more to our family....

In November of 2012 Jon and I began to pray and open our hearts to what God's plan was for our lives. As we daily surrendered our lives (Luke 9:23)before our Father, he began to direct us on a journey (James 1:27) (John 14:18) No, I will not abandon you as orphans—I will come to you. 

As many of you know we opened our hearts and the door to our home to a sweet boy named Gary on a winter hosting program... We were in honest shock as we became aware of the blatant fact, he was our son. And as we were in full process of adoption, we were even more floored when God showed us that his best friend, Willy, was our son too! God is SO GOOD and we are SO in LOVE!!!

Love is an open door so why close it!?!!!! 

This summer the door has been opened again by our Father, and this time it is to a sweetie from the Philippines! (Due to some regulations I cannot post pictures on our blog at this time)

Our family together has been praying over this for several months. We have been praying for guidance and clear direction. 

Please help us pray on this new road we are taking. All of us, especially JJ :), are so excited about this!! This June will be full of excitement and new things all around!

"Love is an Open Door!"

Sleeping booty

Last night, Mom was headed to tennis lessons and some much needed alone time.  And Dad, well, it was now my turn at the helm of this new crew of ours.  So with a decision to eat out at Okinawa, we piled into the van.

I love spending time with our kids.  I love listening to our kids talk in the car. They can say some of the silliest and most profound things to each other.

As I put in the movie Frozen, I was quickly reminded that I was not allowed to skip the commercials.  The kids wanted to see all of the other movies coming out.  

I could here, "Once Upon a Dream" playing on the DVD as an advertisement for a new release of Sleeping Beauty due out later this year was playing.

"What is this movie?  What is this movie called?!?" Came the question from one of our oldest sons.

I could hear a familiar mumbling between our kids begin to arise as they tried so hard to answer the question, all the while refusing to break fixation with the DVD in play.  

With a realization, and an understanding, the once pondering child now assuredly answers loudly, in beautiful Chinglish, 

"Oh!  Sleeping Booty!"  I've seen Sleeping Booty!"

My heart sets and waits for moments such as these.  An innocent moment, now setting all alone, becomes easy prey to my ever ready ability to quickly react to the blunder.  That alone reveals so much of my heart.  "Lord save me!"-  Matt:14:30.  Save me from myself. 

But as I listened, the back seat of our van didn't not erupt with laughter.  It was business as usual.  No condemnation.  No judgment.  Just love.  Maybe an understanding that one day, he'll say it correctly, but until then, we'll just go with it.  I don't know exactly what it was, but it was beautiful.  It was love.  It wasn't focus on a blunder or a mis-step.  It was looking past and looking to.

How often I have been so quick to judge others.  Whether out of fear, or even worse, the mask of fear, sarcasm.  It has been shameful, and it has grieved His spirit.  

Lord!  Teach me to have mercy, to be graceful, and how to love. Teach me your ways, O Lord, that I may live according to your truth! Psalms 86. Even through my kids.

Find comfort in Him.  Find love.  Find that bondage to Him, in lies freedom.  Taste and see that the Lord is good; blessed is the one who takes refuge in him. Psalms 34:8