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Wednesday, December 9, 2015

the first question...

Last night the big boys in our house were answering questions about their life and their relationship with God for an upcoming missions trip to Texas.

In preparation for the trip the kids need to examine their own lives and write about what the Lord is doing in their life as well as write a short testimony on when their relationship with Jesus began.

These are deep questions for anyone and especially deep for teen boys who don't like to talk about "personal feelings" all that much.

I have totally loved this questionnaire for the missions trip.... 
1. It really gets the boys thinking and praying. 
2. I don't have to fill it out. 
Win-Win on the parent front! 

As they were going through the questions, the very first deep question threw one of our China loves into a deep deep thought... He started biting at his lips, scratching his head, fidgeting in his chair... and before he wrote anything he looked up at me and said, "mom, who is going to read this? Is our youth pastor going to?"
I answered him the best I could and told him I am sure several people from the church staff are going to go over these and yes, I am sure your youth pastor is as well.
He blurted out, "oh man, really!? It's kinda embarrassing." 

I then told him as seriously as I could, "oh yes, then they read it in front of church so the whole church can decide if you should go on the mission trip." 
As he picked up on my sarcasm he said, "oh come on mom, be "really"!" 
(I love his ESOL version of "be serious.")

As the evening went on and an hour or so past, this same son came up to my room and asked me to read what he wrote.

As I read, the memories of our first several months together as mother and son rushed to my heart and mind. There were memories of pain and heartache, and memories of hurt and deep sadness that overwhelmed me. And then came memories of joy and hope and restoration. The healing of a young life that had taken place over the last two years flooded my eyes with tears. 
I looked up at this sweet face and dark eyes peering at me, seeking approval over his English he had so beautifully written. He was not wanting approval over what he wrote but over the grammar and spelling in which he wrote it. 

I could not help but burst into smiles and happy tears. (He is just sort of looking at me like I'm a crazy person... yep that's normal!)

He then connected with what I was so wrecked over and just walked over and gave me a sheepish hug and said; "thanks mom."

This boy, his heart, Our God!!! 
Thank you Jesus for how you Heal lives and transform broken pieces into beautiful works of art. 

*these are my son's own words in his own handwriting in his beautful language that poured from his heart.**

Yes, I am the vine; you are the branches. Those who remain in me, and I in them, will produce much fruit. For apart from me you can do nothing. Anyone who does not remain in me is thrown away like a useless branch and withers. Such branches are gathered into a pile to be burned. But if you remain in me and my words remain in you, you may ask for anything you want, and it will be granted! When you produce much fruit, you are my true disciples. This brings great glory to my Father. “I have loved you even as the Father has loved me. Remain in my love. When you obey my commandments, you remain in my love, just as I obey my Father’s commandments and remain in his love. I have told you these things so that you will be filled with my joy. Yes, your joy will overflow! This is my commandment: Love each other in the same way I have loved you."- John 15:5-12


**All was shared with our sweet son's permission.**

Monday, September 14, 2015

the fireman...

"Finally, all of you should be of one mind. Sympathize with each other. Love each other as brothers and sisters. Be tenderhearted, and keep a humble attitude."-1 Peter 3:8

9/11 has come and passed as we remember, and #neverforget, the day that struck our nation to the core. All of us know the time and place of where we were and that will forever be burned in our hearts as we, who were the watchers, stood and stared at a screen, watching in real time an event in history that change our Country and each of us as individuals. 

(Photo credits of Google search 9/11)

Yesterday a group of individuals climbed 110 flights of stairs in memory of the fallen firefighters who climbed UP as others were climbing down. They knew their fate, yet they still kept going. Survivors tell stories of these heroes... The heroes who were encouraging the ones climbing down, those who were just wanting to give up and stop going down, those Heroes would say, "come on, you got it, you can do it, keep going down!" Yet all the while, they were climbing up.

(Photo credits of Google search 9/11)

I cannot even pretend to imagine what that must of been like. I can try to "put myself in their shoes", but really that's not even possible. I simply cannot fathom the horrific scenes or the intense amount of bravery of those Firemen. 

Last night Jon and I were talking about these amazing individuals that are so willing to put their lives before others on a constant daily basis. Each day they go into work they don't know what lies ahead. What possibly might be asked of their lives that day. This goes for all who serve our country, and for that my small "thank you" just simply does not sound like enough gratitude to give. How do you truly say thank you to these heroes? 

(Photo credits: Joey Waddell- Dekalb Fire Department)

My mind drifted as we were talking. To be honest it often does. I have a tendency to lose track of a conversation in about 2 mins... It's not intentional, really! As I wondered away in thought the first thing that popped into my head was "fire insurance". (Yep, that's the truth.) But not in the sense of homeowners insurance, but in the sense of "hell fire and brim stone preachers".

You know those guys all hollering red faced, always looking angry at you. Calling people sinners and waving a bible that they never seem to open but "quote" from all the time... Yeah, so my mind went there. Random, right?!

Well, kinda random.... I have heard so MANY analogies of Christ, Jesus Christ. Being the life saver, being the parachute, etc. you need to be saved so you can have, "fire insurance". 

As I understand these analogies and get their point, I think they're stupid. I just do. But when I think of a fireman and Jesus... Now that's an analogy that's legit. 

Thinking of myself in my darkest of times and lost in the smoke of my existence....Lost in the burning building called my life and desperately wanting to get out but I don't know how. It is so dark, and every single time I try to stand up on my own to figure it out I choke and gasp for air. Every door I try to open burns my hands, every stair well I try to go down is engulfed in flames and I am trapped, stuck in my own self. There I am lost, alone, and scared; I fall to my face... but then, it is only then do I see a light amongst all the shadows. Having nothing left of myself to even reach out to the light coming my way, a hand reaches out to me. I am completely helpless as I surrender my life over to the one reaching for me. There I am, being lifted up by the strength of the rescuer. With a force he searched for me and found me. He has climbed from heaven to earth to save me from the torments of my soul. He pushes through the raging fire and burst forth into the light of day and in an instant I take my first breath. A breath of life and new air. As I turn to thank my fireman, my hero who gave me life, I found a sight my eyes did not expect to see. As he was saving me, his life was not spared. Bringing me to safety he was severely burned, his lungs had filled with strong thick smoke, his body was scarred and lifeless. He gave it all just for me. 

To me, that is the depiction of Christ and his pursuit after me. The only way I could acknowledge my savior's search for me was when I was face to the ground fully surrendered to His saving grace. He died so that I could live and He did this not just for me.

"Of one thing is certain, God story never ends in ashes."- Elizabeth Elliot 
 

Wednesday, September 2, 2015

exposing the tiara

When I was 12 years old my sister was 18 and in her senior year of high school. I always looked up to her, though she never knew it. I was pretty much a bratty little sister. I don't really know why, but I was. Anytime she would have her friends over I would try to be involved with the "big cool" kids too.
In her senior year, she won her High School's pageant. It was an all out Miss America kinda deal. She had a talent, she had the style, she had the beauty.... I wanted to be like her.

I was quirky, awkward, and freckle faced with glasses. I had to have all my school work printed out on blue paper. Not even kidding about this, BLUE PAPER!! Why!?!?
I had a terrible time with reading, I was tested with all kinds of test and found to be dyslexic and have " Scotopic Sensitivity Syndrome ".... Basically it's a perceptual processing disorder. It is not an optical problem. It is a problem with the brain’s ability to process visual information.  Sounds FUN right!?!? Ugh!

From third grade on, I had tinted glasses (which I refused to wear most days) and all my worksheets on blue paper. FREAK of Nature is all I thought. Why is it so difficult to read, and why, to make it easier for me to read, do I have to have things on a different colored paper? What "joyful" school experiences I had. I despised school and pretty much everything it entailed.
All but art class and PE. Loved those classes. PE was fun and it was a class I could excel at. I could do pull ups and run fairly fast, except for having to learn to square dance, PE rocked! Art was fun, you could be messy and not "have to" stay in the lines. I truly never liked coloring... maybe that's because of my "perceptual processing disorder", the world may never know! ;)

So, having an older sister who appeared pure perfection in my eyes (again with the perceptual disorder, sorry sis, I love you). I wanted to be just like her. When she won this pageant she was adorned with a shiny, sparkly tiara, a sash, and a three foot trophy! My friends and I squealed and cheered as they announced her the winner. In fact that's all you can hear on the VHS tape video of the whole ordeal!

What do little sisters do when the big sister is out of the house? We go play with their stuff! "That's what's up!"

I would always sneak into her room, put on the tiara and sash and pretend I won! I did not have the big-beautiful Julia Roberts hair like my sister, so the tiara did not look quite as fitting on my nice, short, bowl cut hair style I was rockin'... But for that moment, I was a princess with a real shiny tiara and sash! "BAM"

Growing up and going through middle school and high school I was struck with depression. I found it hard to cope with changes in my life. Moving around did not help, dad being gone for business all the time did not help, but they were not the culprit. They were sort of like adding baking soda to the vinegar that was already there. Just made things explode and bubble up from beneath.
I also did not express myself well... As a parent when my kiddos were smaller I would say so sweetly to them, "use your words", to try to encourage them to express themselves. My kids usually used fists, or spit, or throw an object to express themselves. So trying to teach them to "use their words" seemed  like a reasonable request.
I obviously struggled with this same issue. I would either just keep quite or explode with an out pouring of emotions.... Anger, sadness, fear, or whatever just happened to be going on. I always had tears attached with this out pouring of expression. (I am sure my mother would use some other types of adjective for these occasions, but these will do just fine)

My parents, bless them, dealt with me the best they knew how to do. They prayed, they sent me to get help at many places and by many people. They did what parents do and try to help their children, to try to fix their boo-boos. And my boo-boo was a deep rooted depression that I could not shake no matter what type of meds, therapy, or method.

My idea and way to cope was self medicating with what the world had to offer, so that was the route I took. The journey down this road just lead down a deeper and darker path with twist and turns I would love to forget. But the beauty of not forgetting is remembering. Remembering of who I once was and seeing now who I am and have become.

The beginning of the turning point was October and November of 1998. I had moved in with my sister, her husband, and their little girl. This took me from S. Florida and brought me to Georgia.

I think my sister thought of her house as some sort of sanctuary of healing. She literally had placed bible verses all over the mirror in the bathroom, put a sign on the door of the room I was staying in, saying something like, "room of hope". She had an entire month of activities planned for us, "aka" bible study. Not just any Bible study but a study called, "Victory over the Darkness".  Yay, fun, bible study! (insert loads of sarcastic undertone)

What in the world had I just gotten myself into!?

To be honest, I don't remember much of anything of that study. I don't remember what was written in the book, but I do remember my sister. I remember her sitting with me and talking with me. She shared scripture with me and prayed for me.

There was one night where things, stories, that I had heard all growing up started to be comprehended. The story of Jesus and who he was... Who He actually is started to become more clear. I can't say it was a total "ah-ha" moment of my life because there was so much about God and the Bible that still never made sense. But it was a moment where I let down my guard and allowed a stone to be chipped away from the wall I had built up deep inside. And at that moment a spark ignited and a piece of me surrendered as the Holy Spirit took hold of me.

This night my sister had literally been on her knees praying for me. She was on her knees by my bed as I was laying face down trying to ignore the prayers from her mouth. In some random act to shut her up I took out my belly button ring and threw it at her. (Because apparently that's what you do to shut someone up who is praying...I have no idea what I was thinking) There was also a possible throwing of a tongue ring involved at some point but my memory is vague on this.

This was all taking place around Thanksgiving...We had traveled to visit with my grandparents in Myrtle Beach, SC.
After visiting a while, my sister stood up in the living room and started to give a little speech. In this speech she talked about me. I of course at this point, having no idea what was going on, was feeling the warmth of flushedness come across my face. Keeping it real, the last time something like this occurred my sister, mom, and a few others where having an "intervention" with me, no joke that really happened and it was not the highlight of my life.
As she continued on and concluded her words... she pulled from behind her a tiara and a sash.

A TIARA AND A SASH!!!!!

She had prepared a ceremony for me in-which she crowed me a Child of God and placed the sash over me that read, "Child of God '98"! My brother in law took me by the arm and escorted me around the living room and all I could do was laugh and cry in an all out ugly cry kind of way. My heart and mind could not even begin to comprehend this amount of love and thoughtfulness and Amazingness and just full on compassion! My sweet sister was outpouring the love of my savior who truly rescued me from my destructive self.


This moment was amazing and words cannot aptly describe the amount emotions that were all going on here, thanksgiving of 1998.

I wish I could say that this moment was the 180 degree turning point of my life. If it were that easy I would have learned less and not have so many scars from the lessons learned. But this unique, one of a kind moment was the start of my painful journey to fully turning my life over to the one in whom I place my faith.

Everyone's life is different and everyone has their own stories to share. My story is just starting and I hope, I pray that with each piece of me chiseled
 away, there will be less of me to see and more or the Love that was shown to me on that very incredible Thanksgiving day.


Tuesday, August 18, 2015

Hiatus... and a plug.

I have intentionally taken a break from blogging, from Bible Studies, from small group, and Sunday school settings. It's been a couple months since our last blog but it has been a WHILE, I mean a good long hiatus from "church stuff."
Granted, I have my one on one with God and prayer and time in His word getting a little crumb of bread but no full on small group, women's ministry lead, study.
I just couldn't... My mind and heart have been wrestling with Christianity as a whole. I have voiced the words, "I don't want to be known as a Christian", because let's face it: Christians aren't acting or even remotely close to resembling the Christ in the Bible they so-call themselves by. I am embarrassed, like full on red faced, don't want to associate with "those" Christians. 
Hot Topics of my turmoil are as follows but not limited to:
 
-Adoption
-Orphan care
-Gay and Lesbians rights
-Love your neighbor
-Homeless
-The poor
-Widows
-The oppressed
-The outcasts
-The forgotten
-Church people
-Building funds...for bigger church buildings
-Being a communal body of believes and seeing the church as a whole and not as separate denominations constantly snubbing their noses at each other
 
And those are just a few! I can tell you God has been doing a number on my heart and opening my eyes to A LOT! It took me getting disconnected from the "rat race" of the North American idea of "Church" to see how much we are truly missing! 
My God, forgive me for being so blind for so many years and being tied up in the shallow waters of Faith. How deep is your LOVE and may my heart and flesh fall surrendered to it.- Amen
 
(Warning: this is about to be a plug for Jen Hatmaker's book but it's so relevant to my hiatus, I had to share... please humor me and read on.)
 
So, it has been months in coming, but Jen Hatmaker's new book is out today! (Don't know who that is, go here: www.jenhatmaker.com ) 
I have been eagerly waiting for this book as it's title is just perfection! "For the Love"

As a mom, the phase comes out my mouth about 100000x's a day with my kids and when she announced this I was all about it! Thankful to be apart of some luckies to read four chapters from her book, all I can say is, "For the Love", go buy this book!
 
All that said, this is my point. Jen was on a show called Life Today speaking on her book and her life. After watching it for the first time last night, it hit home with so many of my heart struggles and churchy issues. One in particular, is showing compassion and love to others... especially other Christians. ***Ugh, but I don't want to show compassion and love to those people because to be honest,(or as one of my China babes says; "to be honestly") they've hurt my heart.***
 
Lord, give me a heart like yours.-Amen #forthelove
 
PLEASE TAKE ABOUT 10 minutes TO WATCH THE CLIP OF JEN HATMAKER on Life Today.
For the Love, watch it: 
 
Please pray we me:  that we as a nation, as a culture, as followers of Christ, as those who call themselves Christians will take off the blinders. That we will open God's word and as in James 1:22 states: "Do what it Says!" 
That we stop preaching and start serving. That we stop dressing to show reverence and start showing reverence by dressing the naked and feeding the hungry. Be the hands, be the feet, "be a light in the darkness not a shadow for the already condemned" (click on quote to tweet). How is the love of Jesus being shown if we are casting shadows instead of lighting a match. 


"Love does stuff"- Bob Goff
 

Thursday, June 18, 2015

closed doors...

When God closes doors there are times I want to knock that door down with full force and kick and scream my way through until it is wide open again. That does not go over well, ever!


This past week we have been struggling to accept a closed door. I have cried, I have tried will all "my" power to push that door back open but it has remained shut. Oh what I would do, and have tried to do, to get that door open again. 

Our adoption of Kade has come to a halt and there is nothing Jon and I haven't tried to keep going head strong. 

This is incredibly hard. This is incredibly painful. This is a loss of a child we had already opened our hearts to be our own. A son, a brother, a part of our family. 


Things happen for a reason but at this time we are struggling to find that reason.

We trust in God and his ultimate plan for our life and family BUT that is not always easy.... and this is most certainly not easy.


We ask that you pray with us and for us as we deal with the fact that we will not be adopting Kade. 

Tuesday, May 19, 2015

a ride in the mystery machine...

Not my will.  Your will.
Ugh!!  Sounds so good in theory, but in practice, a feat impossible short of the Holy Spirit.

I am so foolish. I try to see where God is going and what he is going to do. 
Just like my kids, I climb into God's car, buckle up, and start to try and guess where we are going. 

God doesn't tell me where we are going, so I look out the window and recognize landmarks. 

"I know where we are going!" I exclaim.  "We are going to...."

Nope.  Not going there.  I look to God to tell me where we are headed, but he just looks over, smiles, and says, "it's a surprise."

*sigh*

I ask if He can give me a hint, but that question is just met with a firm but loving glance. 
Surveying the outside landscape, yet again it comes to me and I shout yet again, this time ever more sure, "I know where we are going!!"
Certainly this is our destination.  We rarely go here, but when we do it has been so special.  
Oh the joy, the fun and... the destination passes by.

.......*sigh*......

At this point I have no idea where we are.  I've never been here.  As far as I am concerned, it doesn't even exist and if it does, I don't care to go because I've never been so I am pretty sure I never want to go.

This drive....it is taking forever.  I've got to stop and use the bathroom.  
"Are we there yet?" Was only cute the first three times I asked.  Now, it's just getting old and met with a stern but somehow compassionate glance.

*sigh*

I hunch over in the seat, slump down below the window sill and know we will never ever ever get to where we are going.

And just then, just like that...God finds a parking spot, puts the car in park, and announces..."We are here."

I look around and recognize nothing. 

"What is this place?" I asked "I've never been here?"

"I have been here many times and now I am bringing you.  You are going to love it!" God exclaims.  

He hugs me, picks me up, and holds me.  I trust him.

"Dreams are tawdry when compared with the leading of God, and not worthy of the aura of wonder we usually surround them with. God only doeth wonders. He does nothing else. His hand can work nothing less."   -Jim Elliot

Monday, May 4, 2015

a mother's day blog...

Last week Jon was over at my mother's house helping her clean windows. And as I was there, not cleaning windows, I was pestering Jon and we were laughing about SNL skits and just being dorks. His last area of windows were in the basement where we happened to find this jewel of a piece of workout equipment. 


Let me just tell you I was loving this thing. Some awesome Shark Tank thinker came up with the brilliant folding chair + bike peddles + resistance bands genius idea!

I was enamored by it because it was so multi-taskful, it must have been made by a mom! Haha, Right?!? I mean you could be working out, bike peddling miles while folding clothes... and with our families laundry size I am sure to become an all out Olympic cyclist with this training! 
With its convenient  make, I could bring it to any sporting event, watch my kids play ball, pop open my folding chair, attach my bike peddles and resistance bands and BAM, getting my workout on! Wow, seriously I could go on and on...

As mom's we multitask like a boss and it is never truly noticed till we are gone for a day, make that gone for just a few hours. It is by God's design that we can think more that one thought at the same time and still focus on doing three things at once with two hands and be speaking to a child(ren) all at the same time while cooking dinner. 
Moms, you rock!
 
It’s not easy being a mother. If it were easy, fathers would do it.”Dorothy on The Golden Girls

I have seen you mom, the one at the ball field... You cheer your heart out for your boy because he has your heart and you have his. He is loving that you smile and wink and give him double thumbs up! He sees it and knows he is Chipper Jones. And then the game ends. Panic stricken as you remember... You Have Snack Duty! Ugh!! But, because you are mom, you got this covered! You race over to the concession stand and buy Gatorade for all and ring pops, this has just crowned you best snack mom ever!! You Rock Baseball Mom! 

There’s no way to be a perfect mother and a million ways to be a good one.” Jill Churchill
 
Hey mom at the park, with your yoga pants and two days of no shower hair bun. You look tired and about to just cry. Your five year old son is climbing all over everything and everyone at the park. You had just wished his birthday was before September 1 so at least he could be in kindergarten this year and given you a break. I saw you grab a sippy-cup from a bag and hand it over to your two year old in the stroller and then reach down to the baby carrier and give it a little "rocking action" as to shush your newborn.... As much as you love being a mom some days are just SO long. But you know what else I saw mom in the yoga pants, I saw you completely light up with joy and a smile so radiant as your little five year old handed you a flower he had found and gave it just to you. You looked at him in a delighted shock and picked him up and smooched his chubby checks. This made your day but you also just made his! Mom, you rock!

“[When] you’re dying laughing because your three-year-old made a fart joke, it doesn’t matter what else is going on. That’s real happiness.” Gwyneth Paltrow

Room mom, I see you. I see all your crafty ideas and amazing email skills. You plan, organize and get all class functions perfect to every detail. I see you with your yearbook forms, fundraisers, and fall festival booth sign ups and I stare at you with annoyance. You are the multitask queen and my child loves you because you bring cool personalized holiday gifts for each child at EVERY holiday... Even St. Patrick's day and ground hog day!!! Who are you?!? But to be honest... It is you that is making it a point to make things fun and special for not only your child, but my child and every other child! You are super unselfish with your time and spend it on making things for others and making each child and teacher feel important. You are a difference maker! So room mom, you rock!

“Being a mother is an attitude, not a biological relation.” Robert A. Heinlein

Mom in the hospital halls, I saw you the other day. I was sitting in a room and I saw you walk by. You were pulling your precious child in a red wagon and you were smiling. You were smiling a smile that was brave. A bravery that I don't know or understand. The strength you wield is stronger than I can comprehend because it is strength for your child and for your family. I saw you mom in the hospital halls, pause your wagon pulling as you heard a sweet small voice. Your child called out to you in only a way you could hear because you are mom. You knew exactly what your sweet baby wanted... You bent down next to the red wagon, and from the bundles of blankets you pulled out a well worn teddy bear that looked as though had been by your child's side from day one of the journey you are now on. You placed teddy close to your child and gave them both a kiss. I saw the eyes of your child look so deep into yours. Mom, you are strong and brave. You are your child's hero. Mom in the hospital halls, you rock.

"A mother’s arms are more comforting than anyone else’s.”Princess Diana
 
Hey there mom of that sassy teen, you know who you are. You were in front of me in line at target. I heard the way your daughter talked to you. That mouth was full of filth and you were flushed with embarrassment. But don't worry mom, I did not judge you. I know that you did not "raise your child that way".  You kept your cool and responded with love despite all the rolled eyes. You held your ground on not buying your child what she so demanded. I could see you glance around to see who all was watching the scene hashed out in the store. You daughter was sulking in her own self pity when she received a text on her phone. From where you were you could read the message on her phone. Your daughter glared at you as she saw you but then burst into tears. I saw you mom of that sassy teen, wrap your arms around your daughter and embrace her as she hurt. That text was mean and rude and despite the mean and rude that you were just dealt, you gave love. The type of love that sassy teen, your daughter, needed. You gave a mother's love and comfort and my eyes filled with tears. Mom, you rock! 

"Mothers and their children are in a category all their own. There’s no bond so strong in the entire world. No love so instantaneous and forgiving.” Gail Tsukiyama

Mom who is also known as grandma, nana, mimi, gigi, and all the other precious gems of a name that are the crown glory of motherhood. I see you with your grandkids and the way you shower them with love. Love in the ways of cookies, and chocolate treats. Love is the ways of special bear hugs and silly waves. The love you express is priceless and treasured. You tell stories that are full of giggles and sidewalk chalk up the driveway. I watch you patiently listen and play make believe. I watch you with your older grandchild, you listened to the drama going on in their life and did not try to sound too shocked at the way "times have changed" since your days in high school. But you gave advice and soft words of wisdom that created a comfort that can only be found at grandma's. Mom... Grandma, you rock.


Moms you play so many roles and have so many titles. I couldn't list them all out on a blog a million miles long. I am in awe at the resilient nature that moms were created to have.  

Happy Mother's Day!

Whatever the mom you are... You Rock!





 

Monday, April 20, 2015

hacked...

Bethany, I have hacked your blog...I'm sorry...

...but...once upon a time...

...almost 12 years ago, I stood at your parents fireplace, looked into your eyes, and said I promise, forever.

I really didn't understand what the promise meant then.  I just said it, thinking I understood the weight of that promise, but not really having a clue.


From moving, to losing jobs, we have muscled through together.  From losing friends, to losing three precious children, we have wept through together.  From one adoption, to now six children, we have continued on, together. 
Through hurt and pain, and times that we just can't stand each other, we journey on, together. 

Twelve years later, I am beginning to understand a little more about that promise I made.  This life is not easy, and it's not always fun.  But, with my wife, it is never alone.  

This past year, we have begun working out together, something I thought and swore would never happen.  I would never Zumba and you couldn't lift a truck, so we weren't ideal workout partners, but Fireman Fitness has changed all that. 
This past six months, we have run 5k's, half marathons, and have just now completed one of the most challenging races, the Savage, together.


During the 5k's, we stuck together.
You go, we go.
During the half, we stuck together.  You go, we go.
During the Savage, we stuck together.
You go, we go.

Through the past twelve years, as we journey towards seemingly impossible obstacles in life, I've learned to look not at the obstacle before I look to you, and make sure you are with me;  you go, we go.

Upon doing the Savage last week, I caught myself again, running towards an obstacle, but not daring to size it up, until I found you, and we go together.  You go, we go.


Thank you for being there this whole time.  Thank you for putting up with all of my flaws, and thank you for doing life with me.

We cannot be stopped.  We cannot be broken.  Together, we are unstoppable.  
Whatever your future holds, wherever you go...we go.




Sunday, April 12, 2015

truth and plea...

Some truth on this week after Easter.

I'm not going to lie, sometimes Easter and Christmas holidays I dread going to church. I am not a holiday outfit shopper (I am not a shopper.) Matchy match clothes are not my thing, nothing wrong with it at all! It is cute and precious with all the kids coordinated and picture perfecto. To be honest, if our kids ever have on uber cute outfits it is because my mother has bought them clothes, which she does often. :) One of her gifts is providing for others in many ways and one just happens to be shopping for my children! Absolutely no complaints about that!


I really don't know why I dislike church going on holidays. The church service is usually pretty amazing, the messages awesome and the worship team knocks it out of the park!
Its maybe because I don't like "hoopla". I don't like big functions or dressing up so maybe that is my internal conflict about going to church services on "Chreaster Sundays". (Christmas and Easter)

This Easter we did our first ever Easter Sunrise service. Saturday night we were all pumped about it. It was going to be at the kid's wake park, Terminus, so everyone was excited! Being that it was outside and not in a building this for sure took away all my anxiety of the typical Easter Sunday at "church".
Ugh, then the alarm went off at 5:45am and Jon and I rolled over mumbling, "what have we done? Why are we waking up this early? Who's idea was it to go to this thing anyway?" Ok, it was my idea, and I was totally second guessing myself in the early morn!

We got up. Got dressed in clean clothes. I know this for a fact because we all were digging through the basket of clean clothes looking for our jeans. ;)


When we pulled up to Terminus at 7:03, we all piled out of the van and our sweet Aaron reaches out from some sort of hidden pocket behind his back and pulls out a muffin. Not a normal muffin, but the Costco size jumbo blueberry muffins!
He whips it out to show us and says, and I quote, "planning ahead,", said with a chuckle.
What!? What are you doing child?! You plan on munching on this during service? Aaron is so nonchalant and really lives in his own special land of "time-bound-lessness". You know what I'm talking about, he is one of those when you say hurry, it does not increase the speed in which these special ones are doing anything. There is no hurry in their minds, there is no pace increase, there is simply their speed. The speed of time-bound-lessness.

So, yes, in his world, he was planning on chowing down on this muffin during service. "Oh, God love him!"
Jon just says, why did you not just eat that thing in the car on our way here?? No response, from him just a blank stare and you could see his thought, "Just didn't think about that!"
All we can do is shake our heads and laugh!
So, instead of eating it, he does something better. He places it under his chair on the front row and saves it for after the service! Haha!

As the service closed it was an incredible moment... Looking out on the sunrise and thinking about the "power of love" that had taking place over last several days thousands of years ago, I couldn't help but get hit smack in the face with a flood of emotions.


I, of course was pondering on the sacrificial love of God.... but then my mind wondered to our Kade. Our precious son miles away. I wondered when he too could be home to experience the crazy mornings of the Easter rush. The times when we all just laugh or cry together. I was thinking about how I pray now and will continue to pray that he too will one day know the love of his savior, Jesus. That he will know love, the love that is so strong that breaks the power of death and beats the chains of a hurtful past.

Sweet precious boy of ours we love you so much. I love you with a fierce mama kinda love that I can't wait to show you. Your daddy is so eager to wrap you up in his arms of love and show you what it means when he says he'll always be there and "he's got your back!" Dads are pretty cool like that. They are brave and strong... and sweet son, your daddy is one of the bravest and strongest I know! 

We are at the point in the adoption process where we are needing to start asking for help. This is the un-fun part of adoption, the necessary wrench that holds up so many adoptions and leaves children "stuck" and families waiting for sometimes upward of three years to bring their children home.


Adoption cost are expensive, like crazy expensive, and we are asking for help in a major financial way.

Here is where we are now:
We need to submit our i800a application to the USCIS. This fee is $890.00. This is our next hurdle that we need to jump in order to move forward.
( If you would like a better understanding of USCIS or the form i800a here is a link to the site: http://www.uscis.gov )

For the most current info on our adoption and the amount of funds needed and ways to help please check out our website under the tab: Bring Kade Home


Our family thanks you in advance for any help, no dollar amount is too small and prayers go a long way! So thank you, thank you for joining us on our journey to Kade!!
*For a complete run down of fees from WACAP (our adoption placing agency) here is the link: http://www.wacap.org/Portals/0/Documents/China%20Adoption%20Fees.pdf

Tuesday, March 31, 2015

getting churchy....

Warning: Personal thoughts about to be spoken, if you do not agree that is ok but this is based on my perception of what our culture has turned Bible Study into. (Specifically speaking about women's ministry but applies to all.)

I believe Bible Study has become a misleading assurance that you are doing what God has called you to do. 
Before you slam your computer shut or press the home button on your smart phone hear me out. 
Bible Study has become the Mecca for women on Wednesday mornings. {And on select evenings and sometimes it is offered on other mornings as well depending on how big the church etc.} But, for most, Wednesday mornings is the place to be.
Bible Studies offer a time for women to get together and study God's word, to "fellowship", and to worship together. For the moms of young kids this can be her only time for adult conversation and becomes her sanity for the week.

You chose from a wonderful array of studies that have been authored by incredible women, pick a time slot that works for your schedule and show up.
Most offer a video guided study, have weekly homework to do in your Bible study workbook, and if you are totally "on it" you complete all five days of carefully laid out, well organized study along with the questions. If you are really up for the challenge you answer the "personal responses". You know those questions that don't have a clear cut and dry answer but instead ask you, "how do you feel about this passage of scripture?" Or "do you have a time in your life that was affected by this type of situation?" (And btw, don't be afraid to share this during group time.) 
Sometimes the author has even added additional historical information in the study as a little extra bonus. These are typically super interesting and loaded with facts and "original text" meanings that will leave you floored with how cool God is. This helps fit the pieces of history and scripture together AND it is all right there in a two page section of your Bible study workbook titled "bonus section" or "extra reading". 
Wednesday morning arrives and you "get ready" for Bible study. Makeup, hair, semi-church clothes, jewelry, oh maybe a catchy looking scarf.... and boots!  You grab your Bible, your workbook, a cool looking pen , a highlighter so you can look very prepared, and a cute tote-bag to carry everything in. *Don't forget your travel mug from last years women's retreat* 

On the drive there you are jamming out to some Chris Tomlin or maybe Matt Redman... a little "10,000 reasons" always puts you in the mood to study God's word. You pull up to the church and park. 
You walk through the double doors where you are hit with the aroma of coffee! The senses go into overload as you see the beautiful display of coffee set up, sweet treats and salty morning goodies, hot teas, and super cute napkins to match the time of year we are in. You go to the "name tag" table and find your name printed on these perfectly printed name tags that not only match the time of year and season but also color coordinate with the churches women's ministry logo! You hear a few other women walking up behind you. They are just flabbergasted with delight as they say, "oh I would have never thought of all these details! Aren't our name tags just darling?! I saw this font on Pinterest and it was a free download! I just love the gray and yellow chevron pattern table cloths on the tables, don't you?" 


Music is playing as you walk into the sanctuary and you find a seat. Chat a bit with a few of the ladies around you and then the music softens. The women's ministry leader welcomes everyone, prays, and starts the video to watch. The next 45 minutes of video lecture you take notes in your workbook study guide, awe over a few of the new facts you've learned, give a "mmhumm" at those points you agree with and the "amens" are just randomly shouted out by those women that really REALLY agree! I love it when I hear a "yes sister", because you know that meant what the woman just said on that video was on POINT! 

Video session ends and you split to small group time. Talk about your homework. Listen to the prayer request, talk about whoever brought that yumminess with the egg and sausage, and then say a closing prayer. At this time you are dismissed... 

There you have it, a complete run down of Wednesday morning Bible Study.
Do you guys see it? Is it just me? How has this become the pinnacle/apogee of our Christian life for "us women"? How has "going to Bible study" become the "acting out" of our Christian life?
The buck stops here, so to speak, when you look at so many of the believers of our culture today. 

It is scary, the facade of living this way has made us deaf and has blinded us to what God really calls us to do as believers. We become utterly paralyzed.

Please don't get me wrong or confused by what I am trying to say.
Bible Study is good.
We should study the Bible.
Women's ministry is great.
Bible Studies for women, great.
But... This is a big BUT (and if the butt song just came to your mind you just aged yourself) ;)
If going to Bible study is your definition of living out your "Christian life" than you have been fooled. This is right where "The Great Deceiver" wants you to be, both blind and deaf to what the Lord calls you to do. 

Think about that for a moment.  The Great "Deciever" doesn't want you to go join the Satanic Church....that would be stupid. No, The Great Deceiver, wants you to be as close to God as you can be, without actually doing what God wants you to do.  We tell our kids, "delayed obedience is disobedience."  
God wants all.  The Great Deceiver wants anything less.  

"These two young men are in great danger. They have a mental apprehension of God’s Truth which unless lived out will be their peril."
-Margaret Barber speaking of Faithful Luke and Watchman Nee

We study, and pray, and follow SO THAT we are well armed for the acting out of this Gospel in our lives.  
But, as Christ is the zenith of our faith, we comfortably move to worship Christianity instead of Christ.  As we eliminate the "SO THAT" in our reason to study, we and everything we do, now becomes the focus of our worship.  Our study of God's word as a catalyst, now becomes the landing zone, the final resting place of our faith, not the launching pad always intended.  
"These Christians remind me of "the fattest people on earth" who have consumed so much food that they can no longer walk. They are fed more and more knowledge every week. They attend church services, join small group Bible Studies, read Christian books, listen to podcasts and are convinced they still need more knowledge. Continually listening to the Word without applying it has made Christians' ears dull to God's call.That's a very dangerous place to be and yet, man, that's happening. Every church across this nation, we've fallen into that pattern." - Frances Chan




Friday, March 20, 2015

number 8?? the journey continues...

When Jon and I started down the adoption road we knew that this was going to be a long road. Meaning that this was the designed path that God has us on right now and we are meant to stay on this road until the road closes.

We did not know when we were suppose to adopt again but knew we needed to keep our hearts open as the Lord leads. 


To be honest and real, "me, myself, and I", do not "want" anymore kids. It's not that I don't love kids, I do, but I don't have this gushy draw towards babies or yearning to "parent" every child I see. I am by no means a "natural" when it comes to being the "Suzy homemaker". I tried on that hat. For about four years maybe five, I did my best to cook like a boss and have the house cleaned looking like a magazine cover for "Better Homes and Gardens." I would make cakes and have themed birthdays and for the record this was all before Pinterest so I felt pretty darn creative as I would purchase all the cute stuff from "Birthday Express" and make a killer Wilton birthday cake! Pre Pinterest life was awesome! Pinterest started all these great ideas and also created all these wonderful coined phrases known as "Mom Fails" and "Nailed It". I love these, really... I truly laugh at these post with the tears streaming my face just like the little emoji! 😂
 

And I know this is a touchy topic for some, but I am putting it out there: I homeschooled my kids. I was following the advise of those around me and it about did me in. I would cry and cry over the stupid school work. I hated with a passion homeschooling! Of course there were days where I felt like queen of the universe as Aaron and Becca read a book or did their math correct but FOR THE LOVE....Short and simple- I am NOT a homeschool mom! (Great job all of you awesome homeschool parents! You simply rock and deserve amble date nights and coffee! Please don't try to convince me to join you again. I respect you, but I am not one of you.) 

I am just not that mom, I tried. The amount of stress it caused me and my family was ridiculous! I will claim the "Mom Fail" here and be proud of all those times I "nailed it". As for the present time and place I have "let it go". 

It does sound awful to say, I don't want anymore kids... But it's not always about me, and my wants and my desires. I tried doing things my way and it left me stressed, tired, and down right exhausted! As I aimed to please those around me, I lost focus on the God who loved me and created me for something different and nothing was going to bring me peace (peace as in scriptural, God spoken, spirit filled peace) until I did what God intended of me. My life, my purpose by His design. 
So this is where I find myself today:
At this moment I am sitting in bed, snuggled next to my "love muffin". I have had two cups of coffee, five kids have been sent off to school by bus and one driven to school this morning. Six out the door, out of the house, they were given nutritional substance of waffles, eggs, oatmeal, and a few grabbed a pack of fruit snacks as they headed out the door. The house is "straighten" to the point of, "I guess I won't be too embarrassed if someone stops by". Laundry has been going... well, let's just say laundry does not stop going, and I am enjoying the peace and quiet of this precious moment of life. As Jon will be leaving to work soon and not going to be back till the wee hours, I am just going to savor this time listening to him sleep. He, our provider, our rock, is resting and I could not be more thankful for him.

So, what's up with adoption if I am not wanting any more kids?? 
The road we are on as a family, is the road of surrendered-ness. We will follow as the Lord leads and right now He is leading us to the road of adoption, again. It's NOT about wanting more children, it is not about growing our family, for us it is about obeying what we have been called to do.
How do you know you have been called to adopt? Well, I cannot answer that for anyone else. But for us, we can explain it by saying this is our purpose. 
Our social worker once told us, "some families are just not able to handle all the noise and craziness that comes from having so many kids with so many different backgrounds and some are. You guys are. You don't sweat the small stuff. You just go with the flow." This is by no means giving us a kudos and pat on the back. This is saying, for us this is what we have been called to do. 
I am not the best mom in the world who can do every amazing DIY project, or the homeschool mom of 19 kids who can keep her "act" together.  I am not the gushy baby loving mom who losing it at the church nursery just because I need some sort of baby fix.
But, for this first time in my life I know what God created me for and that is to be a mom.
A mom who messes up everyday. A mom who gives tough love and sweet love. A mom who may not want more kids but knows that my "want" is not His desire for my life. His want and His plan and His desire is for me to not do it on my own strength and power but by His.
So when my eye are fixed on Him my "want" changes. And my heart melts as I see the broken and lost. I see the unwanted and neglected. The abandoned and abused... and I say "Yes". Yes, Lord I know we are only but one family but we say yes, because if it is only to a few or to many we will say yes. Yes, I will be a mom to more. Yes, we as our family, will be a family to more SO THAT they will become more than orphans and be orphans no more.

We are on the road of adoption and now that road has lead us to our son!! 


Our road to Kade has been incredible!!! We cannot wait to share this journey we are on! 

Currently we have been PreApproved by China, so in adoption lingo we can shout out, "we have our PA!" 

Please pray with us as we still have loads to do! 
So stinking excited about our little Allen who waits for us 12,000 miles away! He has no clue yet that we, his family, are doing all that we can to bring him home!! In love and smitten!! It's a BOY...again!! 😉

"Since we are living by the Spirit, let us follow the Spirit’s leading in every part of our lives."- Galatians 5:25