This morning I'm literally sitting and drinking a cup of coffee.... like quietly sitting and drinking coffee.
I expect at any moment to be shaken from my little slice of quiet heaven on earth, but for now I'm soaking it in. Reading, drinking dark roasted goodness and just breathing...praying... actually taking a moment to write.
Yesterday was one of "those days". You know "those days" you wish never would be days at all. Adoption mamas of kids from hard places; you get what I'm saying.... "those days" that rear their heads to expose and bring to light the ugly side of adoption. The ugly side that shows that your child had a life abandoned, alone, and to this day even still has secret hurts that have yet been revealed.
Any little thing can be a trigger for these times of raw exposure and with it brings the raw behaviors that unleash a world of hurt to whoever and whatever is in its path.
Behaviors that are completely wrong and unacceptable. Behaviors that if from a bio child would be immediate punishment of some sort. Behaviors that put you on the brink of, "why did I ever adopt this child in the first place?" (Keepin' it real people)
BUT, there is a child. A child who believes they are grown. A child who behind the actions of unbelievable hate, is a pain that is trying to consume and take over. That behind the stubborn heart who pushes you away, literally and physically, is a child who wants nothing more than to just be held in your arms.
Sometimes it takes days like yesterday. Days that rip you to the core and leave you bleeding for all those who have been orphaned.
This can be prevented, children don't have to be so deeply scarred like this and shouldn't be.
Yesterday I found my self in a dark closet with my child who was trying to hide from himself. Pushed in a corner trying to be all wrapped up in the clothes that hung from the hangers.
In that dark closet things were brought to light as I heard words spoken to express the rampant emotions that were overtaking my child. (This is huge people!)
Yesterday sucked. That word is kindhearted and an understatement at best. It tested our faith in a God we serve. It tested our child who fought hard to hang onto an anger he thought would heal, an anger he though would protect, and an anger that ultimately brought so much pain to all those around and to him a consuming fog of a false reality.
What we've learned as parents is to pick and choose our battles with our children. Each child is different. Each child has their own struggles and each has their own way of handling difficult situations. We've learned that if our child does not study for a test there is a natural consequence of their choice. We may remind our child to study but we're not going to fight them over this. If they fail, that's a life lesson they learn on natural consequences of poor decisions.
But sometimes we as the parent create the consequences. If disobeying is blatant and in pure defiance, so shall the consequence. This can bring the wrath of being "hated" by our kids. But... it also teaches.
"Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. Point out anything in me that offends you, and lead me along the path of everlasting life."
Not all days end the way yesterday did... yesterday we had healing, we had restoration, we had forgiveness. These victories are beautiful and humbling. They bring me to my knees so quickly before our Father. Nothing is more difficult than looking at your child and knowing you cannot fix the hurt. You cannot fix the pain. You cannot fix a stubborn heart that is a fortified fortress of reenforced steal and concert and all that is strong and solid... my goodness so freakin' solid!
But knowing WHO can melt this heart of stone brings hope. It makes the victories that much sweeter. Yesterday was ugly with a glimmer of beauty. I will hold onto the hope that there will be days like yesterday that reveal the the broken, stubbornness we try to hide and justify...only that we may surrender it all over to our Healer.