closed doors...

When God closes doors there are times I want to knock that door down with full force and kick and scream my way through until it is wide open again. That does not go over well, ever!

This past week we have been struggling to accept a closed door. I have cried, I have tried will all "my" power to push that door back open but it has remained shut. Oh what I would do, and have tried to do, to get that door open again. 

Our adoption of Kade has come to a halt and there is nothing Jon and I haven't tried to keep going head strong. 

This is incredibly hard. This is incredibly painful. This is a loss of a child we had already opened our hearts to be our own. A son, a brother, a part of our family. 

Things happen for a reason but at this time we are struggling to find that reason.

We trust in God and his ultimate plan for our life and family BUT that is not always easy.... and this is most certainly not easy.

We ask that you pray with us and for us as we deal with the fact that we will not be adopting Kade. 

a ride in the mystery machine...

Not my will.  Your will.

Ugh!!  Sounds so good in theory, but in practice, a feat impossible short of the Holy Spirit.

I am so foolish. I try to see where God is going and what he is going to do. 

Just like my kids, I climb into God's car, buckle up, and start to try and guess where we are going. 

God doesn't tell me where we are going, so I look out the window and recognize landmarks. 

"I know where we are going!" I exclaim.  "We are going to...."

Nope.  Not going there.  I look to God to tell me where we are headed, but he just looks over, smiles, and says, "it's a surprise."

*sigh*

I ask if He can give me a hint, but that question is just met with a firm but loving glance. 

Surveying the outside landscape, yet again it comes to me and I shout yet again, this time ever more sure, "I know where we are going!!"

Certainly this is our destination.  We rarely go here, but when we do it has been so special.  

Oh the joy, the fun and... the destination passes by.

.......*sigh*......

At this point I have no idea where we are.  I've never been here.  As far as I am concerned, it doesn't even exist and if it does, I don't care to go because I've never been so I am pretty sure I never want to go.

This drive....it is taking forever.  I've got to stop and use the bathroom.  

"Are we there yet?" Was only cute the first three times I asked.  Now, it's just getting old and met with a stern but somehow compassionate glance.

*sigh*

I hunch over in the seat, slump down below the window sill and know we will never ever ever get to where we are going.

And just then, just like that...God finds a parking spot, puts the car in park, and announces..."We are here."

I look around and recognize nothing. 

"What is this place?" I asked "I've never been here?"

"I have been here many times and now I am bringing you.  You are going to love it!" God exclaims.  

He hugs me, picks me up, and holds me.  I trust him.

"Dreams are tawdry when compared with the leading of God, and not worthy of the aura of wonder we usually surround them with. God only doeth wonders. He does nothing else. His hand can work nothing less."   -Jim Elliot

a mother's day blog...

Last week Jon was over at my mother's house helping her clean windows. And as I was there, not cleaning windows, I was pestering Jon and we were laughing about SNL skits and just being dorks. His last area of windows were in the basement where we happened to find this jewel of a piece of workout equipment. 

Let me just tell you I was loving this thing. Some awesome Shark Tank thinker came up with the brilliant folding chair + bike peddles + resistance bands genius idea!

I was enamored by it because it was so multi-taskful, it must have been made by a mom! Haha, Right?!? I mean you could be working out, bike peddling miles while folding clothes... and with our families laundry size I am sure to become an all out Olympic cyclist with this training! 

With its convenient  make, I could bring it to any sporting event, watch my kids play ball, pop open my folding chair, attach my bike peddles and resistance bands and BAM, getting my workout on! Wow, seriously I could go on and on...

As mom's we multitask like a boss and it is never truly noticed till we are gone for a day, make that gone for just a few hours. It is by God's design that we can think more that one thought at the same time and still focus on doing three things at once with two hands and be speaking to a child(ren) all at the same time while cooking dinner. 

Moms, you rock!

 

“It’s not easy being a mother. If it were easy, fathers would do it.” —Dorothy on The Golden Girls

I have seen you mom, the one at the ball field... You cheer your heart out for your boy because he has your heart and you have his. He is loving that you smile and wink and give him double thumbs up! He sees it and knows he is Chipper Jones. And then the game ends. Panic stricken as you remember... You Have Snack Duty! Ugh!! But, because you are mom, you got this covered! You race over to the concession stand and buy Gatorade for all and ring pops, this has just crowned you best snack mom ever!! You Rock Baseball Mom! 

There’s no way to be a perfect mother and a million ways to be a good one.” —Jill Churchill

 

Hey mom at the park, with your yoga pants and two days of no shower hair bun. You look tired and about to just cry. Your five year old son is climbing all over everything and everyone at the park. You had just wished his birthday was before September 1 so at least he could be in kindergarten this year and given you a break. I saw you grab a sippy-cup from a bag and hand it over to your two year old in the stroller and then reach down to the baby carrier and give it a little "rocking action" as to shush your newborn.... As much as you love being a mom some days are just SO long. But you know what else I saw mom in the yoga pants, I saw you completely light up with joy and a smile so radiant as your little five year old handed you a flower he had found and gave it just to you. You looked at him in a delighted shock and picked him up and smooched his chubby checks. This made your day but you also just made his! Mom, you rock!

“[When] you’re dying laughing because your three-year-old made a fart joke, it doesn’t matter what else is going on. That’s real happiness.” —Gwyneth Paltrow

Room mom, I see you. I see all your crafty ideas and amazing email skills. You plan, organize and get all class functions perfect to every detail. I see you with your yearbook forms, fundraisers, and fall festival booth sign ups and I stare at you with annoyance. You are the multitask queen and my child loves you because you bring cool personalized holiday gifts for each child at EVERY holiday... Even St. Patrick's day and ground hog day!!! Who are you?!? But to be honest... It is you that is making it a point to make things fun and special for not only your child, but my child and every other child! You are super unselfish with your time and spend it on making things for others and making each child and teacher feel important. You are a difference maker! So room mom, you rock!

“Being a mother is an attitude, not a biological relation.” —Robert A. Heinlein

Mom in the hospital halls, I saw you the other day. I was sitting in a room and I saw you walk by. You were pulling your precious child in a red wagon and you were smiling. You were smiling a smile that was brave. A bravery that I don't know or understand. The strength you wield is stronger than I can comprehend because it is strength for your child and for your family. I saw you mom in the hospital halls, pause your wagon pulling as you heard a sweet small voice. Your child called out to you in only a way you could hear because you are mom. You knew exactly what your sweet baby wanted... You bent down next to the red wagon, and from the bundles of blankets you pulled out a well worn teddy bear that looked as though had been by your child's side from day one of the journey you are now on. You placed teddy close to your child and gave them both a kiss. I saw the eyes of your child look so deep into yours. Mom, you are strong and brave. You are your child's hero. Mom in the hospital halls, you rock.

"A mother’s arms are more comforting than anyone else’s.” —Princess Diana

 

Hey there mom of that sassy teen, you know who you are. You were in front of me in line at target. I heard the way your daughter talked to you. That mouth was full of filth and you were flushed with embarrassment. But don't worry mom, I did not judge you. I know that you did not "raise your child that way".  You kept your cool and responded with love despite all the rolled eyes. You held your ground on not buying your child what she so demanded. I could see you glance around to see who all was watching the scene hashed out in the store. You daughter was sulking in her own self pity when she received a text on her phone. From where you were you could read the message on her phone. Your daughter glared at you as she saw you but then burst into tears. I saw you mom of that sassy teen, wrap your arms around your daughter and embrace her as she hurt. That text was mean and rude and despite the mean and rude that you were just dealt, you gave love. The type of love that sassy teen, your daughter, needed. You gave a mother's love and comfort and my eyes filled with tears. Mom, you rock! 

"Mothers and their children are in a category all their own. There’s no bond so strong in the entire world. No love so instantaneous and forgiving.” —Gail Tsukiyama

Mom who is also known as grandma, nana, mimi, gigi, and all the other precious gems of a name that are the crown glory of motherhood. I see you with your grandkids and the way you shower them with love. Love in the ways of cookies, and chocolate treats. Love is the ways of special bear hugs and silly waves. The love you express is priceless and treasured. You tell stories that are full of giggles and sidewalk chalk up the driveway. I watch you patiently listen and play make believe. I watch you with your older grandchild, you listened to the drama going on in their life and did not try to sound too shocked at the way "times have changed" since your days in high school. But you gave advice and soft words of wisdom that created a comfort that can only be found at grandma's. Mom... Grandma, you rock.

Moms you play so many roles and have so many titles. I couldn't list them all out on a blog a million miles long. I am in awe at the resilient nature that moms were created to have.  

Happy Mother's Day!

Whatever the mom you are... You Rock!

 

hacked...

Bethany, I have hacked your blog...I'm sorry...

...but...once upon a time...

...almost 12 years ago, I stood at your parents fireplace, looked into your eyes, and said I promise, forever.

I really didn't understand what the promise meant then.  I just said it, thinking I understood the weight of that promise, but not really having a clue.

From moving, to losing jobs, we have muscled through together.  From losing friends, to losing three precious children, we have wept through together.  From one adoption, to now six children, we have continued on, together. 

Through hurt and pain, and times that we just can't stand each other, we journey on, together. 

Twelve years later, I am beginning to understand a little more about that promise I made.  This life is not easy, and it's not always fun.  But, with my wife, it is never alone.  

This past year, we have begun working out together, something I thought and swore would never happen.  I would never Zumba and you couldn't lift a truck, so we weren't ideal workout partners, but Fireman Fitness has changed all that. 

This past six months, we have run 5k's, half marathons, and have just now completed one of the most challenging races, the Savage, together.

During the 5k's, we stuck together.

You go, we go.

During the half, we stuck together.  You go, we go.

During the Savage, we stuck together.

You go, we go.

Through the past twelve years, as we journey towards seemingly impossible obstacles in life, I've learned to look not at the obstacle before I look to you, and make sure you are with me;  you go, we go.

Upon doing the Savage last week, I caught myself again, running towards an obstacle, but not daring to size it up, until I found you, and we go together.  You go, we go.

Thank you for being there this whole time.  Thank you for putting up with all of my flaws, and thank you for doing life with me.

We cannot be stopped.  We cannot be broken.  Together, we are unstoppable.  

Whatever your future holds, wherever you go...we go.

truth and plea...

Some truth on this week after Easter.

I'm not going to lie, sometimes Easter and Christmas holidays I dread going to church. I am not a holiday outfit shopper (I am not a shopper.) Matchy match clothes are not my thing, nothing wrong with it at all! It is cute and precious with all the kids coordinated and picture perfecto. To be honest, if our kids ever have on uber cute outfits it is because my mother has bought them clothes, which she does often. :) One of her gifts is providing for others in many ways and one just happens to be shopping for my children! Absolutely no complaints about that!

I really don't know why I dislike church going on holidays. The church service is usually pretty amazing, the messages awesome and the worship team knocks it out of the park!
Its maybe because I don't like "hoopla". I don't like big functions or dressing up so maybe that is my internal conflict about going to church services on "Chreaster Sundays". (Christmas and Easter)

This Easter we did our first ever Easter Sunrise service. Saturday night we were all pumped about it. It was going to be at the kid's wake park, Terminus, so everyone was excited! Being that it was outside and not in a building this for sure took away all my anxiety of the typical Easter Sunday at "church".
Ugh, then the alarm went off at 5:45am and Jon and I rolled over mumbling, "what have we done? Why are we waking up this early? Who's idea was it to go to this thing anyway?" Ok, it was my idea, and I was totally second guessing myself in the early morn!

We got up. Got dressed in clean clothes. I know this for a fact because we all were digging through the basket of clean clothes looking for our jeans. ;)

When we pulled up to Terminus at 7:03, we all piled out of the van and our sweet Aaron reaches out from some sort of hidden pocket behind his back and pulls out a muffin. Not a normal muffin, but the Costco size jumbo blueberry muffins!
He whips it out to show us and says, and I quote, "planning ahead,", said with a chuckle.
What!? What are you doing child?! You plan on munching on this during service? Aaron is so nonchalant and really lives in his own special land of "time-bound-lessness". You know what I'm talking about, he is one of those when you say hurry, it does not increase the speed in which these special ones are doing anything. There is no hurry in their minds, there is no pace increase, there is simply their speed. The speed of time-bound-lessness.

So, yes, in his world, he was planning on chowing down on this muffin during service. "Oh, God love him!"
Jon just says, why did you not just eat that thing in the car on our way here?? No response, from him just a blank stare and you could see his thought, "Just didn't think about that!"
All we can do is shake our heads and laugh!
So, instead of eating it, he does something better. He places it under his chair on the front row and saves it for after the service! Haha!

As the service closed it was an incredible moment... Looking out on the sunrise and thinking about the "power of love" that had taking place over last several days thousands of years ago, I couldn't help but get hit smack in the face with a flood of emotions.

I, of course was pondering on the sacrificial love of God.... but then my mind wondered to our Kade. Our precious son miles away. I wondered when he too could be home to experience the crazy mornings of the Easter rush. The times when we all just laugh or cry together. I was thinking about how I pray now and will continue to pray that he too will one day know the love of his savior, Jesus. That he will know love, the love that is so strong that breaks the power of death and beats the chains of a hurtful past.

Sweet precious boy of ours we love you so much. I love you with a fierce mama kinda love that I can't wait to show you. Your daddy is so eager to wrap you up in his arms of love and show you what it means when he says he'll always be there and "he's got your back!" Dads are pretty cool like that. They are brave and strong... and sweet son, your daddy is one of the bravest and strongest I know! 

We are at the point in the adoption process where we are needing to start asking for help. This is the un-fun part of adoption, the necessary wrench that holds up so many adoptions and leaves children "stuck" and families waiting for sometimes upward of three years to bring their children home.

Adoption cost are expensive, like crazy expensive, and we are asking for help in a major financial way.

Here is where we are now:
We need to submit our i800a application to the USCIS. This fee is $890.00. This is our next hurdle that we need to jump in order to move forward.
( If you would like a better understanding of USCIS or the form i800a here is a link to the site: http://www.uscis.gov )

For the most current info on our adoption and the amount of funds needed and ways to help please check out our website under the tab: Bring Kade Home

Our family thanks you in advance for any help, no dollar amount is too small and prayers go a long way! So thank you, thank you for joining us on our journey to Kade!!

*For a complete run down of fees from WACAP (our adoption placing agency) here is the link: http://www.wacap.org/Portals/0/Documents/China%20Adoption%20Fees.pdf

getting churchy....

Warning: Personal thoughts about to be spoken, if you do not agree that is ok but this is based on my perception of what our culture has turned Bible Study into. (Specifically speaking about women's ministry but applies to all.)

I believe Bible Study has become a misleading assurance that you are doing what God has called you to do. 

Before you slam your computer shut or press the home button on your smart phone hear me out. 

Bible Study has become the Mecca for women on Wednesday mornings. {And on select evenings and sometimes it is offered on other mornings as well depending on how big the church etc.} But, for most, Wednesday mornings is the place to be.

Bible Studies offer a time for women to get together and study God's word, to "fellowship", and to worship together. For the moms of young kids this can be her only time for adult conversation and becomes her sanity for the week.

You chose from a wonderful array of studies that have been authored by incredible women, pick a time slot that works for your schedule and show up.

Most offer a video guided study, have weekly homework to do in your Bible study workbook, and if you are totally "on it" you complete all five days of carefully laid out, well organized study along with the questions. If you are really up for the challenge you answer the "personal responses". You know those questions that don't have a clear cut and dry answer but instead ask you, "how do you feel about this passage of scripture?" Or "do you have a time in your life that was affected by this type of situation?" (And btw, don't be afraid to share this during group time.) 

Sometimes the author has even added additional historical information in the study as a little extra bonus. These are typically super interesting and loaded with facts and "original text" meanings that will leave you floored with how cool God is. This helps fit the pieces of history and scripture together AND it is all right there in a two page section of your Bible study workbook titled "bonus section" or "extra reading". 

Wednesday morning arrives and you "get ready" for Bible study. Makeup, hair, semi-church clothes, jewelry, oh maybe a catchy looking scarf.... and boots!  You grab your Bible, your workbook, a cool looking pen , a highlighter so you can look very prepared, and a cute tote-bag to carry everything in. *Don't forget your travel mug from last years women's retreat* 

On the drive there you are jamming out to some Chris Tomlin or maybe Matt Redman... a little "10,000 reasons" always puts you in the mood to study God's word. You pull up to the church and park. 

You walk through the double doors where you are hit with the aroma of coffee! The senses go into overload as you see the beautiful display of coffee set up, sweet treats and salty morning goodies, hot teas, and super cute napkins to match the time of year we are in. You go to the "name tag" table and find your name printed on these perfectly printed name tags that not only match the time of year and season but also color coordinate with the churches women's ministry logo! You hear a few other women walking up behind you. They are just flabbergasted with delight as they say, "oh I would have never thought of all these details! Aren't our name tags just darling?! I saw this font on Pinterest and it was a free download! I just love the gray and yellow chevron pattern table cloths on the tables, don't you?" 

Music is playing as you walk into the sanctuary and you find a seat. Chat a bit with a few of the ladies around you and then the music softens. The women's ministry leader welcomes everyone, prays, and starts the video to watch. The next 45 minutes of video lecture you take notes in your workbook study guide, awe over a few of the new facts you've learned, give a "mmhumm" at those points you agree with and the "amens" are just randomly shouted out by those women that really REALLY agree! I love it when I hear a "yes sister", because you know that meant what the woman just said on that video was on POINT! 

Video session ends and you split to small group time. Talk about your homework. Listen to the prayer request, talk about whoever brought that yumminess with the egg and sausage, and then say a closing prayer. At this time you are dismissed... 

There you have it, a complete run down of Wednesday morning Bible Study.

Do you guys see it? Is it just me? How has this become the pinnacle/apogee of our Christian life for "us women"? How has "going to Bible study" become the "acting out" of our Christian life?

The buck stops here, so to speak, when you look at so many of the believers of our culture today. 

It is scary, the facade of living this way has made us deaf and has blinded us to what God really calls us to do as believers. We become utterly paralyzed.

Please don't get me wrong or confused by what I am trying to say.

Bible Study is good.

We should study the Bible.

Women's ministry is great.

Bible Studies for women, great.

But... This is a big BUT (and if the butt song just came to your mind you just aged yourself) ;)

If going to Bible study is your definition of living out your "Christian life" than you have been fooled. This is right where "The Great Deceiver" wants you to be, both blind and deaf to what the Lord calls you to do. 

Think about that for a moment.  The Great "Deciever" doesn't want you to go join the Satanic Church....that would be stupid. No, The Great Deceiver, wants you to be as close to God as you can be, without actually doing what God wants you to do.  We tell our kids, "delayed obedience is disobedience."  

God wants all.  The Great Deceiver wants anything less.  

"These two young men are in great danger. They have a mental apprehension of God’s Truth which unless lived out will be their peril."

-Margaret Barber speaking of Faithful Luke and Watchman Nee

We study, and pray, and follow SO THAT we are well armed for the acting out of this Gospel in our lives.  

But, as Christ is the zenith of our faith, we comfortably move to worship Christianity instead of Christ.  As we eliminate the "SO THAT" in our reason to study, we and everything we do, now becomes the focus of our worship.  Our study of God's word as a catalyst, now becomes the landing zone, the final resting place of our faith, not the launching pad always intended.  

"These Christians remind me of "the fattest people on earth" who have consumed so much food that they can no longer walk. They are fed more and more knowledge every week. They attend church services, join small group Bible Studies, read Christian books, listen to podcasts and are convinced they still need more knowledge. Continually listening to the Word without applying it has made Christians' ears dull to God's call.That's a very dangerous place to be and yet, man, that's happening. Every church across this nation, we've fallen into that pattern." - Frances Chan

number 8?? the journey continues...

When Jon and I started down the adoption road we knew that this was going to be a long road. Meaning that this was the designed path that God has us on right now and we are meant to stay on this road until the road closes.

We did not know when we were suppose to adopt again but knew we needed to keep our hearts open as the Lord leads. 

To be honest and real, "me, myself, and I", do not "want" anymore kids. It's not that I don't love kids, I do, but I don't have this gushy draw towards babies or yearning to "parent" every child I see. I am by no means a "natural" when it comes to being the "Suzy homemaker". I tried on that hat. For about four years maybe five, I did my best to cook like a boss and have the house cleaned looking like a magazine cover for "Better Homes and Gardens." I would make cakes and have themed birthdays and for the record this was all before Pinterest so I felt pretty darn creative as I would purchase all the cute stuff from "Birthday Express" and make a killer Wilton birthday cake! Pre Pinterest life was awesome! Pinterest started all these great ideas and also created all these wonderful coined phrases known as "Mom Fails" and "Nailed It". I love these, really... I truly laugh at these post with the tears streaming my face just like the little emoji! 😂

 

And I know this is a touchy topic for some, but I am putting it out there: I homeschooled my kids. I was following the advise of those around me and it about did me in. I would cry and cry over the stupid school work. I hated with a passion homeschooling! Of course there were days where I felt like queen of the universe as Aaron and Becca read a book or did their math correct but FOR THE LOVE....Short and simple- I am NOT a homeschool mom! (Great job all of you awesome homeschool parents! You simply rock and deserve amble date nights and coffee! Please don't try to convince me to join you again. I respect you, but I am not one of you.) 

I am just not that mom, I tried. The amount of stress it caused me and my family was ridiculous! I will claim the "Mom Fail" here and be proud of all those times I "nailed it". As for the present time and place I have "let it go". 

It does sound awful to say, I don't want anymore kids... But it's not always about me, and my wants and my desires. I tried doing things my way and it left me stressed, tired, and down right exhausted! As I aimed to please those around me, I lost focus on the God who loved me and created me for something different and nothing was going to bring me peace (peace as in scriptural, God spoken, spirit filled peace) until I did what God intended of me. My life, my purpose by His design. 

So this is where I find myself today:

At this moment I am sitting in bed, snuggled next to my "love muffin". I have had two cups of coffee, five kids have been sent off to school by bus and one driven to school this morning. Six out the door, out of the house, they were given nutritional substance of waffles, eggs, oatmeal, and a few grabbed a pack of fruit snacks as they headed out the door. The house is "straighten" to the point of, "I guess I won't be too embarrassed if someone stops by". Laundry has been going... well, let's just say laundry does not stop going, and I am enjoying the peace and quiet of this precious moment of life. As Jon will be leaving to work soon and not going to be back till the wee hours, I am just going to savor this time listening to him sleep. He, our provider, our rock, is resting and I could not be more thankful for him.

So, what's up with adoption if I am not wanting any more kids?? 

The road we are on as a family, is the road of surrendered-ness. We will follow as the Lord leads and right now He is leading us to the road of adoption, again. It's NOT about wanting more children, it is not about growing our family, for us it is about obeying what we have been called to do.

How do you know you have been called to adopt? Well, I cannot answer that for anyone else. But for us, we can explain it by saying this is our purpose. 

Our social worker once told us, "some families are just not able to handle all the noise and craziness that comes from having so many kids with so many different backgrounds and some are. You guys are. You don't sweat the small stuff. You just go with the flow." This is by no means giving us a kudos and pat on the back. This is saying, for us this is what we have been called to do. 

I am not the best mom in the world who can do every amazing DIY project, or the homeschool mom of 19 kids who can keep her "act" together.  I am not the gushy baby loving mom who losing it at the church nursery just because I need some sort of baby fix.

But, for this first time in my life I know what God created me for and that is to be a mom.

A mom who messes up everyday. A mom who gives tough love and sweet love. A mom who may not want more kids but knows that my "want" is not His desire for my life. His want and His plan and His desire is for me to not do it on my own strength and power but by His.

So when my eye are fixed on Him my "want" changes. And my heart melts as I see the broken and lost. I see the unwanted and neglected. The abandoned and abused... and I say "Yes". Yes, Lord I know we are only but one family but we say yes, because if it is only to a few or to many we will say yes. Yes, I will be a mom to more. Yes, we as our family, will be a family to more SO THAT they will become more than orphans and be orphans no more.

We are on the road of adoption and now that road has lead us to our son!! 

Our road to Kade has been incredible!!! We cannot wait to share this journey we are on! 

Currently we have been PreApproved by China, so in adoption lingo we can shout out, "we have our PA!" 

Please pray with us as we still have loads to do! 

So stinking excited about our little Allen who waits for us 12,000 miles away! He has no clue yet that we, his family, are doing all that we can to bring him home!! In love and smitten!! It's a BOY...again!! 😉

"Since we are living by the Spirit, let us follow the Spirit’s leading in every part of our lives."- Galatians 5:25