December of 2001, was a particularly hard time in my life. I am not going to bore you with all the details but to set the "tone" I'll try to paint the picture:
I was a mom to the most beautiful child in the world.
I had just moved back in with my parents as Aaron and I were literally kicked out of our apartment. I had received a call from my husband at the time who told me I had till 6pm to get our stuff out because he was changing the locks on the door. An incredible group of people from the church I was attending along with a sheriff from the church all came and helped pack up the belongings, Aaron's clothes, furniture, all the pictures of Aaron I could grab and Christmas ornaments off the little Christmas tree in our apartment. I don't know why that always stuck with me as being one of the hardest things I did.
Removing Christmas ornaments from "our tree". My mom had given me childhood ornaments in 1999 to put on "our" first Christmas tree together and now in 2001, I was removing them along with Aaron's "1st Christmas" baby ornaments, and these precious purple ornaments my sister had bought because I love the color purple. It was just all so surreal, for whatever reason, that is one of the most vivid memories I have of that moment in time.
Thankful for my parents and a place to go, Aaron and I moved in December of 2001. I remember being in a guest room of my parents house with Aaron in a room right next to mine. Many nights I just cried. I would rock in a rocking chair holding my baby boy and cry silent tears. I would pray for God to be the father to my son. I never thought that I would be married again... I knew I did not want to be alone but in those early moments of being just Aaron and I, the thought never entered my mind.
In those evening hours I would cry... But there in that guest room of my parents house was a book. A book that inevitably gave me comfort and hope. The book was titled, "Just enough Light for the Step I'm On" by Stormie Omartian
I remember reading the intro to this book and having some sort of "aha" moment. Like, "Okay God, this pretty much sucks right now and I know I have not truly trusted you with all aspects of my life and I totally know a lot of what I am going through is consequences of my own actions BUT, I GIVE UP!"
If the song "Jesus take the wheel" was around in 2001 you better believe that would have been my anthem! For at that moment "I was letting Go!"
I did not want to fear these next steps of life, I did not know where or how or what was going to happen next. But God did... So as cheese ball as it sounds (I was young okay) I prayed; I prayed the title of the book, "Dear God, please just give me enough light for the step I'm on. I trust you got this. I need you to be the father for my son and give me strength because I am not strong on my own- amen"
INTRO to the Book:
"More and more, God is teaching me to trust Him for every step I take. He constantly calls me to stretch beyond what's comfortable. To walk through new territory when I would rather stay with the familiar. To face difficult physical, mental, and emotional challenges. To do things I know I can't achieve by myself without His power. Each time something is required of me that I'm certain I am unable to accomplish in my own strength, I see a picture of just one or two steps being illuminated, while those before and after are engulfed in darkness and cannot be seen. This describes my walk with God. I trust Him for each day of life, grateful for every breath, determined to look for the blessing in the moment, no matter what the circumstances. I follow His lead - even when I can't see where I'm going, even when it scares me to do so - because deep within my spirit I know that these simple steps of faith are preparing me for eternity."-- Stormie Omartian
As I read these words I first read 14 years ago I am in awe at how having trusted God to lead me for those first steps I was on, he continues to do so. I have stumbled many times... More times than I can remember and a lot of times they were not stumbles but major face plants and scraped knees that left scars. But the beautiful thing; scars are left because of healing. There may always be a reminder of the pain...but if there was never pain, there would be no need for the healing. Yes, to be straight up honest I could totally do without any of the pain or hurt or suffering, for real! But what I have come to learn, and by learn I mean still in the process of understanding, is that although the pain is sometimes self inflicted because of my own mistakes or because sometimes it is just due to the consequences of living in a broken and fallen world, there is a hope that I now place my faith in.
"The Lord directs the steps of the godly. He delights in every detail of their lives. Though they stumble, they will never fall, for the Lord holds them by the hand."- Psalm 37:23-24
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